The Eigth Part

"Wicked is coming!" Brett yelled as he hobbled down the hall.

"My ex?" Kenneth shouted over the blender. He was making a chocolate-protein-powder-raw-egg-tuna-fish-with-ketchup shake.

"No, no, no." Brett said with annoyance. "Wicked witch of the west?"

"Oh. So my mother-in-law then."

"No! The musical about the Elphaba and Galinda!"

"I'm sorry Brett, I don't speak elvish."

Brett scowled. His nostrils flared and his eyes rolled back in his head a bit. "Ugh! What for the mercy of olfactory nerves is that smell?"

"Chocolate tuna. Duh. Protein galore, and the ketchup is for tang."

"You are wrong. Your brain is broken." He paused, "Wicked, It's a Broadway show, Kenneth, it's coming soon. Can I take Ashley?"

"Sure, knock yourself out." Kenneth took the blender and began chugging the concoction.

"Okay, cool. So... the tickets are like 80 bucks so I'll need you to pay for her ticket."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over the blender, I thought you said I was a moron."

"She's you're girlfriend though!"

"Yeah, and I'm letting you take her out."

Brett scowled again and turned away muttering. Kenneth only caught a few words,

"Stupid Kenneth...kiss him...nasty tuna breath..."

Kenneth just shook his head and smiled. Chocolate tuna. This is horrible. The ketchup does nothing to kill the flavor. Still better than the orange cream salmon debacle of '07.

***

"Best vacation ever." Brett said as he pulled himself up to his desk. It was the first day back to work, and he was surprised at being so happy to be there. While he had enjoyed watching his favorite soap operas live instead of on TiVo, it was nice to be doing something productive again. Although, he was depressed that he wouldn't get to enjoy watching Seth find out that Megan is cheating on him at the same time as his online forum.

Oh well. These invoices are pretty cool too.

There was a huge stack of papers in his inbox.

I have an inbox.

Seriously,

an inbox?

Guess I better get the ol' type writer fired up and dash out a memo... in short-hand! Man, I'm funny.

Brett fired up his computer and saw the familiar DOS interface.

Close enough.

Brett was glad that his first day back was a Thursday, Ben's religious "holiday." He didn't want to have to admit that he hadn't watched Phenomenon yet. Brett felt rough hands on his shoulders.

"Hey there Whitbeck."

Brett's boss was attempting to give one of those manly, morale building, office back rubs.

"Oh, hey there boss." Brett said, feeling more uncomfortable by the second.

"You feeling up to a business trip?"

Brett spun around with feigned excitement, hoping it would cover the awkward break in the back rub.

"Oh boy, am I!"

Probably freaking Wyoming again.

"Well good, since you're the computer whiz around here, I want to send you to the corporate training conference in Vegas next week.

"That will be swell." Brett said, feeling slightly hopeful. After resting his gaze on Brett's walking cast for a moment, Brett's boss said,

"Bet that makes it tough to chase the ladies eh?"

Brett gave a fake "huh-huh" chuckle. "Sure does Steve."

"Call me Steve-o, Brett, we're all friends here."

Hmm. I thought he already had the midlife crisis 5 years ago when he bought the Miata and married "Bambi" with the 36 inch double D's and IQ to match.

"Sure thing, uh, Steve-o."

"Steve-o" sauntered away with a bounce in his step, whistling a tuneless melody. Brett watched him go.

He's having an affair.

Brett turned back to the soda ash and HCL that needed processing.

***

“I’m getting screened now Brett!”

“You’re what?”

“I’m getting screened, you know, for my soul clarity?”

Brett gave a blank look.

“Brett, did you even read the pamphlets I gave you?”

“Oh those." Brett said, nodding hurriedly. "I looked through them, but with all the meds, I’ve had a hard time concentrating.”

“Did you at least watch Phenomenon?”

“Oh yeah, I did, yep.”

“What was your favorite part?”

“Whew, well, like I said, I was pretty foggy with the drugs, so I don’t remember much.”

“Do you remember anything abou-“ Brett hurriedly cut off Ben in mid sentence.

“So the screening, tell me more about that.” Ben was easily distracted, this trait kept him from having any sustained train of thought for more than 20 seconds. The lack of critical thinking skills also made him especially vulnerable to brain washing. Ben’s eyes lit up.

“Well, It is a test that measures your electrical signature and that tells you if you have any negative clingers. It really helps with concentration, even impotence, I…”

Ben went on but Brett’s mind was as glazed over as his eyes.

“Clingers?” “Impotence?” This is getting out of control. If I stand here one more minute, he is going to lose use of a major limb.

Brett excused himself, claiming he had to change the dressing on his "scapluterial" wound.

Let him chew on that one! Man, I should be a fake doctor. I’ve got the lingo down!

Brett loitered in the bathroom long enough to be believable. As he poked his head out of the door, he was relieved to see the coast was clear. Ben must have gone out on another sales call. Brett fumbled back to his computer. He pulled up his web browser, which slowly loaded his home page featuring cats in darling positions and other animals with humorous misspelled captions. The pictures filled Brett’s soul with fuzzy ebullience.

Brett began his research for operation "Bruce Campbell." It's time to take those Unifier bastards down…

Oh, that walrus loves his bucket!